Stephen Hawking and Paddy Power release formula for England World Cup win
The world-famous physicist revealed his formula for World Cup victory in a video for the bookmaker that has quickly gone viral.
Prof. Hawking made the bold claim that “as a theoretical physicist [he is] marginally more qualified to make predictions than Paul the Octopus” (RIP).
Science, it works b*tches
Over the course of one month, Prof. Hawking studied all the 45 World Cup finals game that England has played since 1966 in order to identify the optimum conditions needed for sporting success.
Unfortunately for Roy Hodgson, the outlook seems grim for England as Hawking found that the team will need a temperate climate to increase its chances. An increase of just 5C might reduce its chances of winning by up to 59 per cent (good luck in South America.)
Meanwhile, Prof. Hawking recommended red shirts, 3pm starts and playing in a 4-3-3 formation to boost England’s odds of victory.
“Ballerinas” and Euro refs
Prof. Hawking’s findings also suggest that England fans should pray for a European referee. The English side has won 63 per cent of games with Euro refs versus 38 per cent overseen by non-Europeans.
“European referees are more sympathetic to the English game and less sympathetic to ballerinas like Suarez,” Prof. Hawking explained.
The eminent physicist also turned his scientific brain towards penalties and more specifically, England’s lack of skill in this regard.
“As we say in science, England ‘couldn’t hit a cow’s arse with a banjo,'” the scientist stated. “Velocity is nothing without placement. If only I had whispered this in Chris Waddle’s ear before he sent the ball into orbit in 1990.”
Making superlative use of his PhD and decades of experience as a mathematician, Prof. Hawking concluded that players should aim for the top-right corner of the net for the “best chance of success.”
Bets are off for Hawking
Even with his formula for success, Hawking does not fancy England’s chances in the tournament, with his winning prediction going to Brazil.
The professor will not be placing any bets on the outcome however, as he prefers to wager on the mysteries of the universe.
“My bets tend to be against my fellow theoretical physicist friends about theoretical physics – does Paddy Power have any odds on black holes being surrounded by firewalls?” he joked, “In fact, compared to football I think Quantum Physics is relatively straightforward”.