Top 5 gambling gadgets to help you beat the bank
We live in a digital age, where everybody and their Nan is packing more microchips than the Microsoft shipping department. But the question on everybody’s mind is: can any amount of gadgetry and techno-wizardry help me make a packet at the casino?
We’ve been in discussions with the highest authorities on cutting-edge gaming technology – the Apple geniuses, the ghost of Steve Jobs, Hal 5000, Tony Stark – and we’ve compiled the absolute must-have list of bank-busting casino gadgets for the discerning player in 2014.
(Disclaimer: the following gadgets should not be used to cheat at casinos because a) that’s illegal and b) most of them don’t exist.)
1) X-ray specs
Despite a long-standing association with trench coat-wearing pervs, this classic gadget has another, entirely respectable application…sneaking a peak at the other guy’s hand!
Poker and blackjack players are well known for their love of Ray Bands, so your illicit eyewear isn’t likely to draw too much attention.
Baffle players and pit bosses alike with your uncanny ability to spot bluffs and ‘predict’ the flop. And once you’ve cleaned up, mosey on over to the nearest swimming pool and take a gander through the changing room wall – you’re only human, right?
As made famous by the boys in black, this neat little device is a portable memory wiper that can expunge minutes, hours, days…even years of memory from its target. This can really come in handy when security catches you using advantage play.
Alternatively, whip it out after losing on a roulette spin to cleanse the croupier’s brain and have another go. Rinse and repeat until guilty and/or wealthy.
3) Beer hat
While a bit more primitive than the other gadgets on this list, this head-mounted drinks dispenser should be every gambler’s best friend.
Many casinos enforce a strict ‘no drinks on the felt’ policy, but this rule can be easily circumvented by donning a beer hat. Strap on this bad boy, stick the tubes in your gob and let gravity do your drinking.
You’ll be able to enjoy in-game brewskis at the cost of looking like a bit of a plonker. #Worthit.
4) Wristwatch lie detector
An absolute must for poker sharks. Modern examples can be programmed to emit a discrete buzz at the sign of bluffs, or alternatively scream ‘BULLSH*T’ at a deafening volume. The choice is yours.
Just be careful to steer clear of bluffing yourself, because this little bleeder might just broadcast your dumpo hand to the whole table.
5) DeLorean time machine
We’ve all been there. It’s 3AM, the system fell apart, the guppies got lucky, the roulette wheel came up black 690 times in a row…basically, you buggered up the evening and now you’re broke.
Where technophobes might lope back to their Fiestas and drive home with their heads on the steering wheel, you’re a different breed of gambler: you appreciate the value of modern tech.
Simply step into your modified DeLorean DMC-12, find an open road, set the counter back eight hours and accelerate to eighty-eight. Great Scott! It’s 7PM, your wallet’s full and now you know which are the duff tables.
Time to rake in some moolah.
Updated on 4th April 2019